fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
