Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
