I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
