Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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