i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
