My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
