Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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