Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
