The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
