I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
