Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
