Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
