I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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