im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
