just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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