Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
