i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
