I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize