he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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