She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
