You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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