Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
