but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
