OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
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I have surprise drugs for everyone
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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