i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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