once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
