I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
