Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
