so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
