Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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