He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It's rum buckets o'clock
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
