Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
