Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
