can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
