there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
