Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
