swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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