it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
