You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
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The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.