I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
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Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
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We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.