If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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