You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
