I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
