I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
