guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
