How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
