On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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