Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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