i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My dick has a subreddit
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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