So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
