They should really pass out barf bags in church
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
