Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
do nipples grow back?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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