A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
