The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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