Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
