stop calling my apartment porn island.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
