***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
